Monday, July 28, 2014

I was pregnant, but now I am not

I really debated on posting this, but miscarriage is an issue that, in my opinion, needs to be acknowledged

We just got home from our week at VBS in San Antonio and I was feeling a bit off.  I knew I wanted to wait until I was home with Jeff to take a pregnancy test, but I was trying not to get my hopes up.  It was positive and we are so excited to be expecting again!  I hope it wasn't too much of a giveaway that I asked for area OBGYNs.  Hopefully I won't have to stretch the truth too often because I am awful at lying.  Either way anyone who sees me in the next few months may guess since they say you show sooner with each subsequent pregnancy.

I checked with the insurance and the most recommended OB was on it so I went ahead and scheduled my first appointment with him for July 7th.  Now to just be patient for the next two weeks.  Thank goodness the nausea isn't too bad.  I didn't have any with Jason, but did a little bit like this with Elizabeth.  I wonder if that means the baby is a girl.  Either way we will have to wait until the end of February to find out since I promised Jeff we would be team green this time.  UH that is going to be so hard!

I met with the OBGYN who had been recommended by many friends today and really like him.  It is a bit of a drive, but his office is beautiful and he seems really understanding.  Today I am supposed to be 6 weeks 3 days, but when we had an ultrasound it was showing that the baby was only 5 weeks 1 day.  The doctor said it was probably because I had just come off of birth control pills and I ovulated later than normal.  I am still pretty nervous.

A little back story: In January 2008 we were trying for our first child and found out we were pregnant!  I went in for an appointment and ultrasound when I should have been 8 weeks and it only showed that I was 6 weeks.  A day later I started bleeding, I had a miscarriage.  A year later we held our new baby Jason in our arms and knew God had a plan.  We are praying for this baby and trying to stay calm.  For right now I know I am pregnant and I have another doctor appointment with an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check on the baby's progress. 

We are visiting my family in Virginia and decided there was no better way to tell them then in person.  I know it is early, but after lots and lots of thought we decided that we would want our family's support if something happened to the baby.  We started by telling the kids after Elizabeth woke up from her nap. I didn't know how much the kids would really get, but after just telling them we would be having another baby Jason asked if he would be able to come to the hospital with us!  Jeff and I put them in big brother/ big sister shirts and let them go downstairs and spill to Grandma and Grandpa. 

That evening we were meeting with Uncle Kevin, Aunt Rachel, Abigail, and Uncle Brian.  We started with a tour of Kevin and Rachel's house.  Aunt Rachel noticed the shirt right away, but both Uncles needed a few hints to take note.  (How shocking, the guys don't pay as much attention to kids clothes as Aunts and Grandmas do)  Everyone was so happy for us and completely understood when we asked them to keep it to themselves until September.

Today has not been such a great day.  I really wanted to sleep in, but the kids wanted me up, then Elizabeth had a tantrum about what I picked for her to wear.  When I was finally able to go to the bathroom I noticed some light brown spotting.  This wasn't cause for panic, but I was concerned.  There is nothing I can really do, so I went on with my day and met with some moms with kids about Elizabeth's age at a local playground.  That evening after giving the kids a bath I discovered red bleeding.  I now realized I was probably having a miscarriage.

After bleeding most of the week I would have been shocked if the doctor found a baby still growing in the ultrasound scheduled for today.  I was so sure that I didn't even really cry when he told me he didn't find anything.  I put away the big sibling shirts and the outfit I had foolishly bought the baby too early (don't tell Jeff!)

I didn't write this all out to make anyone feel guilty for having healthy pregnancies or babies.  I am truly happy for anyone blessed with children and I know how blessed I am to have our two wonderful kids.  In some ways I can't even explain why I needed to tell my story.  I just feel like miscarriage is an issue that is always kept quiet and is almost shameful.  Just like exposure to breastfeeding has made it a more accepted thing, I feel that talking about miscarriages and the sorrow they can bring will help healing for me and anyone else that has gone through one.  This baby was hoped for and wanted and I was heartbroken when I figured out what was going on.  As I told the OB I hope I get to see him again soon, but God is the only one who knows our future and our lives are in his hands.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for you and your family.